How To Win Friends & Influence People
(Step by Step) Summary by Dale Carnegie
The most successful people on the planet all have one thing in common…..
They have all read ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.
Want to be more likeable, win over others to your way of thinking and handle relationships better?
Then you’re in the right place.
Overview - How To Win Friends & Influence People Book.
This book is a classic and needs no introduction.
Today I’m going to show you a brief, no fluff, step by step summary of How To Win Friends and Influence People book’s exact principals and techniques.
And they more critical today than ever if you want to succeed.
There are thirty principles in the book laid out in 4 main sections, and we’ll cover each with a quote from the book, and a sentence or two of commentary.
Let’s get started:
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1 – Don’t criticize people, complain about them or condemn them.
Criticism is pointless; it only puts that person on the defensive. All they will be doing is striving to justify themselves rather than listening.
Criticizing other people never works to get what you want.
Stop doing it.
2 – Be sincere and appreciate people
The deepest desire in people is the craving to be appreciated.
Being appreciated is one of the core human needs that is rarely satisfied. Be generous in your appreciation for the people in your life, and they will love you for it.
Just make sure it’s sincere.
3 – Arouse in that person an eager want.
“First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walk a lonely way.”
So, give people what they are interested in, not what you are interested in.
It seems obvious, but most people don’t practice it.
Six ways to make people like you.
1 – Become genuinely interested in other people.
You will make more new friendships in 2 months by merely becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in 2 years trying to get people interested in you.
2 – Smile.
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
A smile is worth its weight in gold…
First, it puts you in a good mood.
Go ahead and try to be miserable while you are smiling.
Second, it tells the other person, without saying a word, that you like them and are genuinely happy to be in their presence.
3 – Remember the sound of that person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Carnegie says, “the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.”
Using a person’s name while you are in a conversation with them is the best way to make them feel important.
4 – Listen First. Encourage other people to talk about their favorite subject, themselves.
If you want to know how to make people avoid you, talk about you behind your back or even despise you, here is the recipe:
- Talk about you.
- Get distracted and don’t listen to anyone for that long.
- Bust right in mid-conversation and interrupt them
- Don’t wait for that person to finish if you have an idea.
Instead of thinking about what you are going to say next in a conversation, slow yourself down and truly listen to the other person. Being a good listener is better than being a good talker.
5 – Talk about the other person’s interests and passions
The direct road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things they are passionate about.
Theodore Roosevelt was famous for staying up late the night before a guest was expected the following day, reading about whatever the guest was most interested in. That would allow him to talk with the other person about what interested them most.
This is like a rapport superpower.
6 – Make the other person feel important – BUT be sure to be sincere.
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return – if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.”
In short, we should go out of our way to do something that makes the other person feel important – and do it happily without expecting anything in return.
Win people to your way of thinking.
1 – There is only one way that you can win an argument, and that is to avoid it.
There is only one way that anyone no matter who you are, even the president of the United States can get the best of an argument….
…and that is to avoid it.
It’s impossible to win an argument because even if we are the victor, the other person feels inferior. And that’s a surefire way to make somebody reject your thinking.
2 – Respect other people’s opinions. Never say, they are wrong.
I’m not revealing anything new in this chapter. Two thousand years ago, Jesus said: “Agree with thine adversary quickly.”
Nobody likes a smart arse and to be told they are wrong.
They do, however, like to be understood. Always show that you know the other person’s opinion, even if you do not agree with it.
3 – If you are wrong, don’t hold back, be forthright and admit it, quickly.
Any old fool can try to defend their own mistakes – Guess what?
Most old fools do…
But it raises you above the crowd and gives you that feeling of nobility and exultation to admit your mistakes.
If you know you are wrong about something, make sure you admit it before somebody else has to point it out to you.
4 – Start all conversations in a friendly manner.
A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.
Getting angry or shouting to get your point across is never a good strategy.
Approaching a disagreement in a friendly manner will always generate more results than direct conflict.
5 – Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
When you are trying to persuade, always start by focusing on the areas where you have an agreement.
The more you can get the other person into a “yes” state of mind, the better chance you’ll to get them to agree to other things later.
6 – Always get the other person do most of the talking.
If you disagree with them, it can be tempting to interrupt. But don’t…
Listen patiently, keep an open mind about their idea and encourage them to express their opinions entirely.
TOP TIP: The person in control of a conversation is the person asking the questions.
Guide people to your point of view with questions, not arguments.
7 – Get the other person to think the idea is theirs.
Don’t you have more ownership on ideas that you thought up for yourself than in ideas that are given to you by others?
Nobody likes to be told what to do.
However, they do like to act on their own ideas.
So, find a way to help them feel like they came up with it on their own.
8 – Try and always see things from the other people’s point of view.
There is a reason why people think and acts as they do. Ferret out that reason – you’ll have the key to their believes, desires and personality.
Only when you understand the reasons for other people’s actions can you truly start to convince them to change them.
9 – Be sympathetic when it comes to other people’s desires and ideas
Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would eliminate any ill feeling stop an argument in its tracks, generate goodwill, and make that person listen to you attentively?
Here it is:
I don’t blame you one little bit for feeling the way that you do. If I were in your position, I would most definitely feel the same way you do.
We all want to feel like we are understood.
10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.
- Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing something: one that sounds good and a real one.
People want to fulfill their obligations. When you appeal to people’s nobler motives – specifically that they are honest and have integrity – they are more likely to act that way.
11 – Dramatize your ideas.
I was presenting the same facts this time that I had shown previously. But this time I was using dramatization, showmanship – and what a difference it made.
The more passion and showmanship you put into selling your ideas, the more effective you will become.
12 – Throw down a challenge.
They desire to excel! The challenge!
Throwing down the gauntlet! A perfect way of appealing to people of spirit.
Every successful person loves “the game.”
Give them one to play.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1 – Start with praise and appreciate people.
Carnegie says, beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain kills the pain.
People you talk to will always be more open to criticism if you first let them know what you appreciate about them.
2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Calling attention to someone’s mistakes directly is just going to put them on the defensive. So, a better way would be to indirectly tell them, as people are likely to resent any direct criticism.
A great way to do this is to replace the word “but” with the word “and.” For instance, instead of saying:
“We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester. But if you had worked harder in your math class, you would’ve done even better.”
You could say:
“We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you continue your efforts next semester, your math grade can be up with all the others.”
Which one would motivate you more? I would love to hear some ideas about how you would use this in the comments below…
3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Nobody is perfect. The other person will be more likely to listen to you if you make it clear that you aren’t perfect either.
4 – Don’t give direct orders ask questions instead.
People are more likely to be productive and comply if they are part of the decision making the issue of that order.
Instead of saying “you did this wrong, and here’s what you need to do better next time,” ask “what do you think you could do better next time?”
5 – Don’t let the other person lose face.
Even if you are a 100% right and the other person is entirely wrong, we are only going to destroy their ego by causing them to lose face.
If you can find a way to let somebody save face, do it.
6 – Praise even the smallest of improvements and be sure to praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
This great contemporary psychologist (he was referring to B.F. Skinner) has shown by experiments with animals and humans that when criticism is minimized, and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.
It’s been proven throughout time that what you focus on becomes your reality.
So if you want more of one type of behavior – praise it.
7 – Build up a persons reputation, so they have to live up to it.
If you want someone to improve in a particular area, act as if that person already had that particular trait and already one of their outstanding characteristics.
Stephen Covey has a fantastic quote that I think sums up this principle well:
“Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves.”
8 – Be encouraging. Make the thing seem easy to do and correct.
Give the person lots of encouragement, make the thing seem straightforward and easy to do, let them know that you have complete faith in them and their ability to do it….
And they will work on that thing until dawn to excel.
This principle needs no further explanation.
9 – Make sure that the person is happy doing the thing that you suggested.
The final key to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to make the person happy about doing what we want them to do.
There are 6 steps to doing this well.
- Be sincere. Don’t go promising what you can not deliver.
- Know exactly what it is you want that other person to do.
- Be empathetic. Ask yourself what the other person wants.
- Think from the other persons’ perspective and what they will receive from doing what you suggest.
- Match the benefits to the other person’s wants.
- Convey your request, so the other person understands how they will benefit.
What Do You Think?
I’d love to hear what you think about my How To Win Friends and Influence People summary
Specifically, I’d like to know:
What’s your #1 take away?
Or maybe you have a story where you’ve used one of these techniques
Either way, I’ll love to hear from you, and I’ll be personally answering all the comments.